A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN
WRIGHT:
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
No comments:
Post a Comment