Telemarketers and bad lawyers

I own a hotel and I get about 100 phone calls a day. 98% of them are from people I have no desire to speak with. My employees usually shield me very well, but once in a while a telephone sales person slips through and I pick up the phone and they start their sales pitch. Now they're not all bad. Out of say . . . . 500 . . . that I've talked to . . . at least 2 were nice and worth chatting with. And me, being the nice guy that I am, cannot just be rude and slam the phone down. So I've some ways that at least allow me to use the time to amuse myself at their expense., so the phone call was not a total waste of my time. Friends who have been in my office when I take a call from a telephone sales person have told me they would like to try some of my lines. Perhaps you will too. And if you have any Lawyers that you'd like to get even with, feel free to pass this on. Enjoy. Bud McElhaney

My way of dealing with Telemarketers:


My All time personal best #1 response: If they are a supplier that has many products, such as supplies or equipment, after they start to give me their pitch, I ask how many products they sell. I tell them I would like to be seriously interested in everything they have. Could they fax me the paperwork? Every single page. And then I give them my competitor/s fax number. I insist on it being faxed not mailed escpecially if it's a fifty pages or more. And then I tell them to call me back in a day or two. And then I tell them (truthfully) that I never got the fax and would they resend it again. This ties my competitor's fax machine up for hours. I have never gotten anyone to fax it more than twice.

On some days I ask them to fax it to the fax number of a law firm that sued me. I have three different firms that I don't like, and I really only try to have them faxed the 50+ page faxes. I am always careful on this one and do not say "my fax". I just say "fax it to" and then give the law firm's fax number. This by the way is not difficult to get. Just call the firm and ask the receptionist for the fax number for the particular attorney. The really big shots have their own direct fax lines. (PS. Unrelated to telemarketers, but a great way to take out a little anger a hostile lawyers - I like to tear out the "request for information " cards at the backs of magazines and give the lawyer's name and and address. Always request a personal contact if it has that option. Some cards have a hundred things your can get info on). (PPS. This is also something good to do with the little boxes you sometimes see for a free facial sign-up. I always write down the name of lawyers I don't like and ask for the consultant to contact them urgently for a free facial) At state fairs and county fairs, always sign up lawyers that you hate for home improvement estimates and siding and insurance. Those sales people are so persistent they will hazzle the lawyer and his family to pieces for months. If possible request the salesperson come by the house.

If they want to loan me money, I tell them I just filed for bankruptcy and I could sure use some money. I ask them is there anyway possible I could get it today. Then I plead with them to PLEASE get it to me today. PLEASE. PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE. Finally they will just hang up on me.


If they start out with, "How are you today?" I say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyes are sore, my dog just died, I have diarreaha, I am vomiting (then I describe the vomit), my feet hurt, my feet smell (then I try to describe the smell -this is usually "their" hang up point, etc. "

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, I ask them to spell their name. Then I ask them to spell the company name. Then I ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work ,if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. I continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Usually they hang up by now, but if they don't I start asking personal questions about their marriage. This will get the hang up.

This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " Me: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice I ask, "What are you wearing Judy?"

or depending on my mood,

I cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. No matter what she says I keep saying I know her. And insist that we see each other again. I have tried doing this with guys, but just can't seem to keep my voice straight. It works better with the opposite sex.

I tell them that I am not legally responsible for my actions and that I am under the guardianship of an adult supervisor. And I can't stay on the phone, or I'll have my phone privileges taken away. This is not a great way though unless I have a few more minutes to amuse myself, because they always ALWAYS want to know why this has happened and how old I am. anyway . . .

Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. This is also something that you can just set the phone down on the desk and do and continue working on something else till they hand up.

If ATT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" Or for added effect say. . . my friends have all had their phone numbers unlisted so that I can't call them anymore . . . Would you let me call you tonight? Please.. See above about PLEASE.

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, I ask him or her if they are married. Then tell them that I am not married. But I want to be. Do they? Would they consider me? etc. Then see "Begging" above.

When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell them that you want to play a game. They guess the first number. You'll tell them its a number between say 3 and 7. If they guess correctly you'll give them the next number, but if they guess incorrectly, you'll hang up immediately. Of course, they are always wrong and you can hang right up. But "if" you want to draw it out, let them get it right all the way down to the last number THEN hang up. I like this "if" I have the time. It really gets their hopes up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if she will give you her home phone number so you can call her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. I only do this if I'm wanting to be amused and a rude feeling has suddenly swept over me. They have NEVER called back after this line. This is really a rude response though

Tell them it is lunch time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your desk at liesure. I smack my food loudly and continue talking to employees if they come in. Sometime you can hear them on the other end yelling out loud trying to get my attention back. Usually they hang up after a minute. But they will call back after this one, so you will have to go to one of the other options.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. Again, explain about being under constant adult supervision. See above.

I tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any underwear. Are you? What color? etc. get very personal. whatever they say ask something personal. Do you use Viagra, etc. ." This is rude though so I don't like to do it.

I insist that the caller is really my friend Jerry playing a joke. "Come on, Jerry, cut it out! Seriously, Jerry, stop it. Jerry, you think I'm stupid. You can't fool me with that effiminate voice" etc.

I tell them I am hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . an I hold the phone away from my mouth so they can not make out clearly what I'm saying. Or I just set the phone down on the desk and go on talking jibberish softly. So they know I'm still there, but can't tell what I'm saying. No one has ever called back after this one.

Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. I keep saying . . . Can you spell that? Can you repeat that? Interject personal questions about their mother or childhood.

That's my list so far. As I think of others I'll let you know. Two of these are rude and should only be done very infrequently or you will become a rude person. If you have some that have worked for you, please leave me a commnent.