To my Friends and Others,
Years ago I was asked to deliver the graduation message at a small private school. I pondered for weeks what words I could say to the graduates that would offer them a brighter hope for their future. I wanted words that might be life changing for them. And I remembered a story that I had heard from a friend about a man and I remembered the secret that had been unlocked for me in my own heart when I heard the story. I took that story of a man who lived many years before me, and embellished it somewhat to fit the culture of today. Today, I found this story saved on my computer and was rereading it. It still inspires me today, the same way it did the first time I heard of this man called Rowan. I have spent many years and much effort in trying to him. There are few priceless things that any person can pass on to another. But this is one. Perhaps you’ll read the story and it will unlock for you, or your children, or someone you know, the secret to a great buried treasure. Perhaps you’ve already discovered in your life the secret in the story. And if so, then feel free to pass the story on to others you know, who might need a road map to a brighter future. If on the other hand you read it and disagree with its philosophy, then feel free also, to send it to the recycle bin. If this attachment happens someday to fall into the hands of a man named Rowan, then I’d love to hear back from him that this message reached him.
Your friend,
Bud
For graduation this year I wanted to come and give each of you a gift of fabulous riches. A long time ago, a friend told me how to obtain more riches than most people have ever imagined. Within the words I am about to tell you is a hidden map. You must listen very carefully to the story I am about to tell you to discover the instructions to find where this treasure is. However, you do not need to take any special care with safeguarding these instructions because most people will not be able to understand how to find the treasure. If after hearing my words, you still have to ask me what the secret is, then you .
have failed to read the map.
I have a question for each of you today? It’s a question being asked over and over every day in every part of the world by hundreds, perhaps thousands of people. Who can find a faithful man or woman? In all of United States history, one person stands out on in my mind as much as any other. I have heard of a faithful man.
Many decades ago, when war broke out between Spain and the United States, it was necessary to communicate quickly with the leader of the Insurgents in a small island country south of the United States. A man named Garcia was somewhere in the mountain vastnesses of Cuba - no one knew where. No mail or telegraph message could reach him. The President of the United States needed to secure his cooperation, and quickly. What could he do? Someone said to the President, “There is a fellow by the name of Rowan who will find Garcia for you, if anybody can.”
Rowan was sent for and given a letter to be delivered to Garcia. How the “fellow by the name of Rowan” took the letter, sealed it up in an oilskin pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, and in three weeks came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country on foot, and delivered his letter to Garcia - these are things I have no time now to tell in detail. The point that I wish to make is this: The President gave Rowan a letter to be delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, “How can I find him?” This was a man whose form should be cast in deathless bronze and the statue placed in every school in this country. It is not book-learning young people need most, nor instruction about this and that, but a stiffening of the backbone which will cause them to be loyal, to be trustworthy, to act promptly, concentrate their energies, and in short - to be faithful - to be able to “Carry a message to Garcia.” With these qualities, any person will obtain all the wisdom and knowledge to be found in every book.
General Garcia is dead now, and so is Rowan. But there are other Garcias to be reached. But the world is still searching for Rowan every day to reward him for his faithfulness. Personally, every day I strive to be a Rowan, and every day I look to find another person like him. Every man or woman who has endeavored to carry out an enterprise where many hands were needed, has been appalled, at times, by the stupidity of the mediocre woman or man - the inability or unwillingness of most people to concentrate on a thing and to do it. Slipshod assistance, foolish inattention, dowdy indifference, and half-hearted work seem the rule: and no man seems to succeed unless by hook or crook or threat or bribes. Perhaps they expect God in His great goodness will perform a miracle, and send them an Angel of Light for an assistant. Perhaps if they wait long enough, someone else will take up the task. You, my friend, put this matter to a test: You are sitting someday in an office and six assistants are within your call. Summon one of them and make a request: “please look in the encyclopedia and make a brief memorandum for me concerning the life of Corregio.” Will the assistant quietly say, “Yes sir,” or “Yes Ma’am” and go do the task ? Probably they will not. More than likely, they will look at you out of a fishy eye and ask one or more of the following questions: Who was he? Which encyclopedia? Where is the encyclopedia? Was I hired for that? Don’t you mean Bismarck? What’s the matter with Charlie doing it? I didn’t see that this was part of my job description! Is he dead? Is there any hurry? Shall I bring you the book and let you look it up yourself? Why do you want to know? And I will lay you ten to one that after you have answered the questions, and explained how to find the information, and why you want it, the assistant will go off and get one of the other clerks to help them try to find the answer - and then come back and tell you there is no such man as Corregio.
Of course I may lose my bet, but according to the Law of Averages I will not. Now if you are wise, you will not bother to explain to your “assistant” that Corregio is indexed under the C’s, not in the K’s, but you will still smile very sweetly and say, “Never Mind,” and go look it up yourself. And this incapacity for independent action, this moral stupidity, this infirmity of the will, this unwillingness to cheerfully catch hold and lift - these are the things that assure me that pure Socialism will never come to pass. If men will not act for themselves, what will they do when the benefit of their effort is for all? The dread of getting “the pink slip” on Friday afternoon keeps too many a worker in their place. Advertise for a typist, and five out of ten who apply can neither spell nor punctuate - and do not think it is necessary to. In my own business enterprise, I have an employment application which about two thirds of the way down the page clearly and emphatically says, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WRITE BELOW THIS SENTENCE. And yet, 50% of the applicants who apply to work for me, continue on writing and answering the questions below that line. Can such a person be counted on to take a letter to Garcia?
“You see that bookkeeper,” said the supervisor in a large factory to me. “Yes; what about him?” Well, he’s a fine accountant, but if I’d send him to town on an errand, he might accomplish the errand all right, and on the other hand, he might stop at four shops on the way, and when he got to where he was going, he probably would have forgotten what he had been sent for.” Can such a person be entrusted to carry a message to Garcia?
We have recently been hearing much sad sympathy expressed for the “downtrodden workers of the sweatshop” and the “homeless wanderer who will work for food,” and with it all, often go many hard words for the people in power. Nothing is said about the employer who grows old before his time in a vain attempt to get an employee to do intelligent work, and his long, patient striving after “help” that often does nothing but take a break when his back is turned. In every store and factory there is a constant weeding-out process going on. The employer is constantly sending away “help” that have shown their incapacity to further the interests of the business, and others are being hired. No matter how good times are, this sorting continues. If times are hard and work is scarce, the sorting is done finer - but out, and forever out, the unneeded and mediocre will go. It is the survival of the not fittest, but the most hardworking and FAITHFUL. Self-interest prompts every employer to keep the best - those who can carry a message to Garcia. Now this is not to say that the most faithful themselves might not be dismissed on occasion by an employer who would fail to see their earnestness. But if this happens to you, rest assured. There are 1000 other employers out there that will rehire you and who are waiting and hoping for you to show up at their door. A faithful person may get cast out sometime, but they will not be cast down.
I know one man of really brilliant mentality, who has not the ability to manage a business of his own, and yet who is absolutely worthless to any one else, because he carries with him constantly the insane suspicion that any employer is oppressing, or intending to oppress him. He can not give orders, and he will not receive them. Should a message be given him to take to Garcia, his answer would probably be, “Take it yourself!” Today this man walks the streets looking for work, the wind whistling through his threadbare coat. No one who knows him would dare employ him, because he is a regular firebrand of discontent. He is impervious to reason, and the only thing that can impress him is the toe of a thick-soled Number Twelve boot.
Of course I know that one so morally deformed is to be pitied; but in our pitying let us drop a tear, too, for the men and women who are striving to carry on a great enterprise, whose working hours are not limited by the whistle, and whose hair is fast turning white through the struggle to hold the line, in spite of indifference, slipshod stupidity, and the heartless ingratitude of many of their employees which, but for their enterprise, would be both hungry and homeless.
Have I put the matter too strongly? Possibly I have. But when all the world has gone a-slumming I wish to speak a word of sympathy for the person who succeeds - the person who, against great odds, has directed the efforts of others, and having succeeded, finds there’s nothing in it: nothing but bare board and clothes. I myself, have fried hamburgers at Dairy Queen, emptied a grease trap, mopped a floor, repaired a roof, and worked for day’s wages. I have also been an employer of labor, and I know there is something to be said on both sides. There is no excellence, per se, in poverty; rags are no recommendation; and all employers are not MEAN and high-handed, any more than all poor men are virtuous. My heart goes out to the employee who does their work when the “boss” is away, as well as when they are in the office or on the factory floor. And the man who, when he is given a letter for Garcia, quietly takes the note, without asking any idiotic questions, and with no lurking intention of chucking it into the nearest trash can, or of doing anything else but delivering it. Civilization is one long, anxious search for just such individuals. ANYTHING such as a man or woman, like Rowan asks, shall be granted. They are wanted in every city, town, and village - in every office, hotel, shop, store, and factory. I myself would hire as many as I could find. I would help them to become rich. In time, I would pay them a fortune. And in the meantime, I would make a fortune myself by profiting from their faithfulness. I would teach them any skills they might be lacking in exchange for their possession of dedication to a task and their faithfulness to serving me. The world cries out for such; they are needed and needed badly - the man, or woman, who can “Carry a Message to Garcia.” If you ever meet a Rowan, who is looking for a job. Send him, or her to me. I look for her every day. Good luck to each of you. May God give you a speedy, safe and prosperous journey if you, yourself, decide to carry a message to Garcia. Godspeed.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Some random thoughts
some thoughts in general. much thanks to Andy Rooney too, for helping me to sometimes bring precision to my own thinking.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. If I make 10,000.00 and pay 20% taxes, then if I make 100,000.00 I think I should still pay 20% taxes. The government is run by politicians who want to take from me all they can and give to those who don't have anything to their name but a vote. I'm willing to pay taxes for highways, and national defense, and maybe some nice libraries and national parks. But I'm not willing to pay to send money to some foreign country that hates us anyway, or pay for health care for people who refuse to work, or for teaching immigrant children how to speak in their native tongue instead of English.
The war in Iraq is not about freedom or democracy or liberation. It is about oil and keeping it available and first, and foremost, keeping it available to the United States.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.
I think women are generally smarter than men. Also more dramatic.
I voted five times for Ronald Reagan for President. He was not the sharpest crayon in the box, but he sure made me feel good about being an American.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you live in this country you should understand the words "freeze"or "stop" in English. I don't think I hate a single soul today, and I have forgiven those who have sinned against me. But I still would shoot someone right on the spot if they hurt my family or came in my house in the middle of the night without my permission.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document: and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think that having a twinkie and glass of milk every afternoon should be mandatory for every person over the age of 5. (Oreos can be substituted) An afternoon nap should be required for every adult over the age of 30.
I can put my finger in a glass of water and when I take it out, it doesn't leave a hole. There's a lesson there that will keep a person's ego in line.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid: and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" If people are going to take children on airplanes they should keep them from kicking the back of my seat. I can put in earplugs to drown out their uncontrolled squealling but for gosh sakes at least exercise enough control to keep their feet still.
I think the TSA are doing a wonderful job at our airports. I don't mind the delay at all. I feel safer today because of them and always take the time to tell them thank you. I try to take them a Hallmark Card at least once a month and give to them as I'm passing through security. They always get the biggest smile on their face when you tell them thank you. The people that complain and bitch the loudest about the delays are the morons who got to the airport 30 minutes prior to departure and they shouldn't be allowed to fly anyway. In fact, I think airlines and flight attendents should be able to refuse a seat to any traveler who does not smile.
The words "i am sorry" do more to make world peace than any other words in a language.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
There are two kinds of stupid in the world. The first is the guy who gets naked and drunk and runs around in the woods, and howls at the moon, and barks like a dog and pee's on a tree. And the second, is the same guy who does it in my front yard. The first I can ignore. The second I have to deal with.
There are a lot of people in this world that were born on third base and are so stupid they act like they hit a triple.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. If I make 10,000.00 and pay 20% taxes, then if I make 100,000.00 I think I should still pay 20% taxes. The government is run by politicians who want to take from me all they can and give to those who don't have anything to their name but a vote. I'm willing to pay taxes for highways, and national defense, and maybe some nice libraries and national parks. But I'm not willing to pay to send money to some foreign country that hates us anyway, or pay for health care for people who refuse to work, or for teaching immigrant children how to speak in their native tongue instead of English.
The war in Iraq is not about freedom or democracy or liberation. It is about oil and keeping it available and first, and foremost, keeping it available to the United States.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.
I think women are generally smarter than men. Also more dramatic.
I voted five times for Ronald Reagan for President. He was not the sharpest crayon in the box, but he sure made me feel good about being an American.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you live in this country you should understand the words "freeze"or "stop" in English. I don't think I hate a single soul today, and I have forgiven those who have sinned against me. But I still would shoot someone right on the spot if they hurt my family or came in my house in the middle of the night without my permission.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document: and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think that having a twinkie and glass of milk every afternoon should be mandatory for every person over the age of 5. (Oreos can be substituted) An afternoon nap should be required for every adult over the age of 30.
I can put my finger in a glass of water and when I take it out, it doesn't leave a hole. There's a lesson there that will keep a person's ego in line.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid: and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" If people are going to take children on airplanes they should keep them from kicking the back of my seat. I can put in earplugs to drown out their uncontrolled squealling but for gosh sakes at least exercise enough control to keep their feet still.
I think the TSA are doing a wonderful job at our airports. I don't mind the delay at all. I feel safer today because of them and always take the time to tell them thank you. I try to take them a Hallmark Card at least once a month and give to them as I'm passing through security. They always get the biggest smile on their face when you tell them thank you. The people that complain and bitch the loudest about the delays are the morons who got to the airport 30 minutes prior to departure and they shouldn't be allowed to fly anyway. In fact, I think airlines and flight attendents should be able to refuse a seat to any traveler who does not smile.
The words "i am sorry" do more to make world peace than any other words in a language.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
There are two kinds of stupid in the world. The first is the guy who gets naked and drunk and runs around in the woods, and howls at the moon, and barks like a dog and pee's on a tree. And the second, is the same guy who does it in my front yard. The first I can ignore. The second I have to deal with.
There are a lot of people in this world that were born on third base and are so stupid they act like they hit a triple.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Telemarketers and bad lawyers
I own a hotel and I get about 100 phone calls a day. 98% of them are from people I have no desire to speak with. My employees usually shield me very well, but once in a while a telephone sales person slips through and I pick up the phone and they start their sales pitch. Now they're not all bad. Out of say . . . . 500 . . . that I've talked to . . . at least 2 were nice and worth chatting with. And me, being the nice guy that I am, cannot just be rude and slam the phone down. So I've some ways that at least allow me to use the time to amuse myself at their expense., so the phone call was not a total waste of my time. Friends who have been in my office when I take a call from a telephone sales person have told me they would like to try some of my lines. Perhaps you will too. And if you have any Lawyers that you'd like to get even with, feel free to pass this on. Enjoy. Bud McElhaney
My way of dealing with Telemarketers:
My All time personal best #1 response: If they are a supplier that has many products, such as supplies or equipment, after they start to give me their pitch, I ask how many products they sell. I tell them I would like to be seriously interested in everything they have. Could they fax me the paperwork? Every single page. And then I give them my competitor/s fax number. I insist on it being faxed not mailed escpecially if it's a fifty pages or more. And then I tell them to call me back in a day or two. And then I tell them (truthfully) that I never got the fax and would they resend it again. This ties my competitor's fax machine up for hours. I have never gotten anyone to fax it more than twice.
On some days I ask them to fax it to the fax number of a law firm that sued me. I have three different firms that I don't like, and I really only try to have them faxed the 50+ page faxes. I am always careful on this one and do not say "my fax". I just say "fax it to" and then give the law firm's fax number. This by the way is not difficult to get. Just call the firm and ask the receptionist for the fax number for the particular attorney. The really big shots have their own direct fax lines. (PS. Unrelated to telemarketers, but a great way to take out a little anger a hostile lawyers - I like to tear out the "request for information " cards at the backs of magazines and give the lawyer's name and and address. Always request a personal contact if it has that option. Some cards have a hundred things your can get info on). (PPS. This is also something good to do with the little boxes you sometimes see for a free facial sign-up. I always write down the name of lawyers I don't like and ask for the consultant to contact them urgently for a free facial) At state fairs and county fairs, always sign up lawyers that you hate for home improvement estimates and siding and insurance. Those sales people are so persistent they will hazzle the lawyer and his family to pieces for months. If possible request the salesperson come by the house.
If they want to loan me money, I tell them I just filed for bankruptcy and I could sure use some money. I ask them is there anyway possible I could get it today. Then I plead with them to PLEASE get it to me today. PLEASE. PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE. Finally they will just hang up on me.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" I say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyes are sore, my dog just died, I have diarreaha, I am vomiting (then I describe the vomit), my feet hurt, my feet smell (then I try to describe the smell -this is usually "their" hang up point, etc. "
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, I ask them to spell their name. Then I ask them to spell the company name. Then I ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work ,if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. I continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Usually they hang up by now, but if they don't I start asking personal questions about their marriage. This will get the hang up.
This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " Me: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice I ask, "What are you wearing Judy?"
or depending on my mood,
I cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. No matter what she says I keep saying I know her. And insist that we see each other again. I have tried doing this with guys, but just can't seem to keep my voice straight. It works better with the opposite sex.
I tell them that I am not legally responsible for my actions and that I am under the guardianship of an adult supervisor. And I can't stay on the phone, or I'll have my phone privileges taken away. This is not a great way though unless I have a few more minutes to amuse myself, because they always ALWAYS want to know why this has happened and how old I am. anyway . . .
Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. This is also something that you can just set the phone down on the desk and do and continue working on something else till they hand up.
If ATT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" Or for added effect say. . . my friends have all had their phone numbers unlisted so that I can't call them anymore . . . Would you let me call you tonight? Please.. See above about PLEASE.
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, I ask him or her if they are married. Then tell them that I am not married. But I want to be. Do they? Would they consider me? etc. Then see "Begging" above.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell them that you want to play a game. They guess the first number. You'll tell them its a number between say 3 and 7. If they guess correctly you'll give them the next number, but if they guess incorrectly, you'll hang up immediately. Of course, they are always wrong and you can hang right up. But "if" you want to draw it out, let them get it right all the way down to the last number THEN hang up. I like this "if" I have the time. It really gets their hopes up.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if she will give you her home phone number so you can call her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. I only do this if I'm wanting to be amused and a rude feeling has suddenly swept over me. They have NEVER called back after this line. This is really a rude response though
Tell them it is lunch time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your desk at liesure. I smack my food loudly and continue talking to employees if they come in. Sometime you can hear them on the other end yelling out loud trying to get my attention back. Usually they hang up after a minute. But they will call back after this one, so you will have to go to one of the other options.
Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. Again, explain about being under constant adult supervision. See above.
I tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any underwear. Are you? What color? etc. get very personal. whatever they say ask something personal. Do you use Viagra, etc. ." This is rude though so I don't like to do it.
I insist that the caller is really my friend Jerry playing a joke. "Come on, Jerry, cut it out! Seriously, Jerry, stop it. Jerry, you think I'm stupid. You can't fool me with that effiminate voice" etc.
I tell them I am hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . an I hold the phone away from my mouth so they can not make out clearly what I'm saying. Or I just set the phone down on the desk and go on talking jibberish softly. So they know I'm still there, but can't tell what I'm saying. No one has ever called back after this one.
Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. I keep saying . . . Can you spell that? Can you repeat that? Interject personal questions about their mother or childhood.
That's my list so far. As I think of others I'll let you know. Two of these are rude and should only be done very infrequently or you will become a rude person. If you have some that have worked for you, please leave me a commnent.
My way of dealing with Telemarketers:
My All time personal best #1 response: If they are a supplier that has many products, such as supplies or equipment, after they start to give me their pitch, I ask how many products they sell. I tell them I would like to be seriously interested in everything they have. Could they fax me the paperwork? Every single page. And then I give them my competitor/s fax number. I insist on it being faxed not mailed escpecially if it's a fifty pages or more. And then I tell them to call me back in a day or two. And then I tell them (truthfully) that I never got the fax and would they resend it again. This ties my competitor's fax machine up for hours. I have never gotten anyone to fax it more than twice.
On some days I ask them to fax it to the fax number of a law firm that sued me. I have three different firms that I don't like, and I really only try to have them faxed the 50+ page faxes. I am always careful on this one and do not say "my fax". I just say "fax it to" and then give the law firm's fax number. This by the way is not difficult to get. Just call the firm and ask the receptionist for the fax number for the particular attorney. The really big shots have their own direct fax lines. (PS. Unrelated to telemarketers, but a great way to take out a little anger a hostile lawyers - I like to tear out the "request for information " cards at the backs of magazines and give the lawyer's name and and address. Always request a personal contact if it has that option. Some cards have a hundred things your can get info on). (PPS. This is also something good to do with the little boxes you sometimes see for a free facial sign-up. I always write down the name of lawyers I don't like and ask for the consultant to contact them urgently for a free facial) At state fairs and county fairs, always sign up lawyers that you hate for home improvement estimates and siding and insurance. Those sales people are so persistent they will hazzle the lawyer and his family to pieces for months. If possible request the salesperson come by the house.
If they want to loan me money, I tell them I just filed for bankruptcy and I could sure use some money. I ask them is there anyway possible I could get it today. Then I plead with them to PLEASE get it to me today. PLEASE. PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE. Finally they will just hang up on me.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" I say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyes are sore, my dog just died, I have diarreaha, I am vomiting (then I describe the vomit), my feet hurt, my feet smell (then I try to describe the smell -this is usually "their" hang up point, etc. "
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, I ask them to spell their name. Then I ask them to spell the company name. Then I ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work ,if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. I continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Usually they hang up by now, but if they don't I start asking personal questions about their marriage. This will get the hang up.
This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " Me: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice I ask, "What are you wearing Judy?"
or depending on my mood,
I cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. No matter what she says I keep saying I know her. And insist that we see each other again. I have tried doing this with guys, but just can't seem to keep my voice straight. It works better with the opposite sex.
I tell them that I am not legally responsible for my actions and that I am under the guardianship of an adult supervisor. And I can't stay on the phone, or I'll have my phone privileges taken away. This is not a great way though unless I have a few more minutes to amuse myself, because they always ALWAYS want to know why this has happened and how old I am. anyway . . .
Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. This is also something that you can just set the phone down on the desk and do and continue working on something else till they hand up.
If ATT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" Or for added effect say. . . my friends have all had their phone numbers unlisted so that I can't call them anymore . . . Would you let me call you tonight? Please.. See above about PLEASE.
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, I ask him or her if they are married. Then tell them that I am not married. But I want to be. Do they? Would they consider me? etc. Then see "Begging" above.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell them that you want to play a game. They guess the first number. You'll tell them its a number between say 3 and 7. If they guess correctly you'll give them the next number, but if they guess incorrectly, you'll hang up immediately. Of course, they are always wrong and you can hang right up. But "if" you want to draw it out, let them get it right all the way down to the last number THEN hang up. I like this "if" I have the time. It really gets their hopes up.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if she will give you her home phone number so you can call her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. I only do this if I'm wanting to be amused and a rude feeling has suddenly swept over me. They have NEVER called back after this line. This is really a rude response though
Tell them it is lunch time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your desk at liesure. I smack my food loudly and continue talking to employees if they come in. Sometime you can hear them on the other end yelling out loud trying to get my attention back. Usually they hang up after a minute. But they will call back after this one, so you will have to go to one of the other options.
Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. Again, explain about being under constant adult supervision. See above.
I tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any underwear. Are you? What color? etc. get very personal. whatever they say ask something personal. Do you use Viagra, etc. ." This is rude though so I don't like to do it.
I insist that the caller is really my friend Jerry playing a joke. "Come on, Jerry, cut it out! Seriously, Jerry, stop it. Jerry, you think I'm stupid. You can't fool me with that effiminate voice" etc.
I tell them I am hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . an I hold the phone away from my mouth so they can not make out clearly what I'm saying. Or I just set the phone down on the desk and go on talking jibberish softly. So they know I'm still there, but can't tell what I'm saying. No one has ever called back after this one.
Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. I keep saying . . . Can you spell that? Can you repeat that? Interject personal questions about their mother or childhood.
That's my list so far. As I think of others I'll let you know. Two of these are rude and should only be done very infrequently or you will become a rude person. If you have some that have worked for you, please leave me a commnent.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Andy Rooney's Point of View and Mine too!!
I liked Andy Rooney's comments on 60 minutes. We share some of the same ideas. Mine are included:
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies or people with a paint brush and canvas that think a picture of Jesus urinating, is art! I don't want my tax money used for education to teach children which person to throw out of the lifeboat.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze"or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid: and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies or people with a paint brush and canvas that think a picture of Jesus urinating, is art! I don't want my tax money used for education to teach children which person to throw out of the lifeboat.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze"or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid: and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
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